Astrological Food Preferences by Sign

Virgo: Symbol – The Virgin. Yeah, right! You’ll eat the gum under a chair or drink all un-drank cocktails after the party is over. Other peoples plates are near orgasmic for you. Don’t kid yourself, you can’t even spell virgin. But you do scream like a little girl.

Libra: Symbol – Balanced Scales. After dinner you weigh yourself on not one, but two scales just to feel better. The glass is half full and your ass is twice as big as you think. You think food is “balanced” if it is 2 double bacon cheeseburgers.
Come on, give us an oink.

Scorpio: Symbol – The Scorpion. You’re an entomologist’s nightmare. You sneak into the lab after hours for the Free Buffet of bottled larva. You like the chase of crawling things, cornering them and tricking them onto a plate or fork. You need help.

Sagittarius: Symbol – The Archer. Ah those were the days when men used to hunt food using a simple bow and arrow. You, on the other hand, brought food gathering up a notch. Your idea of hunting is using a helicopter and bush men to scare your prey into a circle for no-miss shooting. So what if you’re two bushmen short on your way home. That’s your idea of giving something back to nature. You’re a fargin icehole.

Capricorn: Symbol – The Goat. You’ll eat anything with the word corn in it including foot corns and bunions. You’ll eat paper, twigs, and do commercials with a duck. You don’t believe in insurance so you carry food with you wherever you go. You’re cute, if you like people with lots of chin hair.

Aquarius: Symbol – The Water Bearer. Vodka and water, scotch and water. You get my drift? You stay in water because it helps hold you up from stumbling. Should you pass out all anyone need do is toss a glass of water on your face and you’re up and at it again. Your liver looks like an aquarium.

Pisces: Symbol – The Fish. Any fish will do for you. Washed up on the shore fish, guppies, beached whales and anything that is slimy. You are attracted to that fishy smell and can be found loitering around red light districts. You are what you eat You slimy, stinkin’, washed up so and so.

Aires: Symbol – The Ram. What does a hard headed Ram personality eat? A Dodge Truck for starters. Ribs from a buffalo, a side of beef (skin on) wild boars (bore eats boar) and road kill. Aries are the sociopaths of the Zodiac. If you know one, check into the Witness Protection Program. Jeffery Dahmer was an Aries…. Am I making sense now?

Taurus: Symbol – The Bull. The China Cabinet. The mess. You connect the dots. Don’t sit down to eat with a Bull, especially if there is a red tablecloth and Italian food. You may be wearing it within 10 minutes. They can eat everything in site including the restaurant. Best advice: Don’t invite one home.

Gemini: Symbol - The Twins. Double the fun; double the food; double the trouble. Not only will these diners talk your ear off they will eat your wallet without you realizing it. No matter who they are, there’s REALLY two of them. One schizoid and the other phrenic. Masochists tend to enjoy the company of this Zodiac sign.

Cancer: Symbol - The Crab. How appropriate. We calls um likes we sees um. If you don’t give them food immediately – they complain. No drinks, bitchy. No appetizers, darn cranky. Who wants to put up with all this?! Hannible Lecter that’s who. Another glass of Key-ahn-tay and that should smooth their cracked shells. If they crab after that they may just become his see-food dinner.

Leo: Symbol – The Lion. King of the Jungle, yada, yada, yada. They’re fiercely lazy. YOU bring the food, YOU cook dinner, YOU pay the tab. YOU clean up after. Not only that they’ll be first to let you know when something is not hot enough, cold enough or good enough. By the time you’re done with dinner you’re seriously considering becoming an African Safari Big Game Hunter with one trophy in mind.